“How to live as freely as you?”, is a question I’ve been asked many times, so here are my thoughts..
What does it mean to live freely? to live a life true to me where I can express myself and walk my own path. One of, if not the most important step was to heal my trauma. More answers in the Q&A below.
Q&A about healing & creating
Q: What was the one thing that helped you become aware?
A: When I stopped running from my pain and began feeling and allowing it.
Q: How did you learn to follow your intuition?
A: I don’t think I ever learned it, it was always there. Like breathing. But being in isolation might have also helped because I didn’t have outside influence to affect how I expressed myself. It’s a lot easier to express yourself when no one cares.
Q: How did you learn to express and live freely?
A: Going from invisible, inhibited and hyper alert everywhere and all the time, to being visible, free and relaxed has taken me basically all my 20’s to learn and it’s still a learning curve. It meant a lot of grieving how scared and worthless I felt, while being in so much doubt and mistrust, because I didn’t believe that it would ever change. Surrendering to the fact that I would never be free, finally made me stop fighting and grieve all that had happened up until that point. When you feel there is nothing ahead of you anymore, it feels like giving up, but really it’s more about giving in, to stop looking ahead and look behind instead. You can’t move forward if you haven’t yet accepted the past.
Q: How do you connect to yourself and life after trauma?
With CPTSD there is no before the trauma because the trauma happened sincce being inside anothers body who had a dysregulated nervous system. A lot of time has been spent in a state of constant hyper vigilance – that was the norm – until I developed severe anxiety, panic attacks and a chronic sense of urgency and fear. As though there was danger lurking around every corner. So for me connecting to myself has been about discovering myself, coming alive, regulating my nervous system but also something as basic as figuring out: what do I like? what’s my favourite color? what does a safe attachment feel and look like? when do I feel most like me? etc.
Q. How did your relationship with naure help you heal?
I have always loved being outside. Ever since I was a child when I went on long walks or sat under the apple tree in the garden talking with my teddy bears. And for many years I had a phobia about being indoors so I was always pulled to the outside world. Here I felt more free, open sky, limitlessness, space to be me.
But my connection to nature especially and not just the outside world, came in a period of my life with etxtreme panic attacks that I started to go outside even more than ever before. They were not typical panic attacks that started and stopped – no – they went on. For days. Constantly. Night and day, and none of my previous techniques helped anymore. But then I started going out in nature every dat. Everytime I went outside it helped me to connect to my physical body. The wind helped to stroke my skin and regulate my nervous system. The earth beneath me reminded me that I was held. The sun warmed me, and made me feel like I was being hugged and embraced. The rain or the ocean inspired me to allow my emotions to flow instead of restrict it. And as I grew more comfortable being outside everyday I also became more comfortable moving my body freely without worrying about others judgement. This is when I felt the fear lift, the toxic shame I had carried for years lifted too, I grieved a lot but it lifted too. I felt more comfortable being physically close with loved ones too – something I had avoided for years. Suddenly I became more grounded in myself – I was not just spiritual I was physical too – and I always belonged with nature itself.
Nature just exists. It doesn’t care what it looks like or what other thinks. In nature I can be myself, breathe deeply, play and dance and sing, take up space, lie down or run around. There are no limitations as to how to exist, how to move or how to behave. I am loved no matter what. Nature teaches me that. Even if I am indoors I always need to be able to 1. feel the wind, 2. see or feel the sun, 3. or hear the birds or the rain. I always need to be connected to the natural world, because I am part of it, and to exist without it means a nervous system in distress.
After these intense 8 months of fear and going in nature every day it was spring and I started in a group for other nature lovers where the focus was mindfulness in nature. It was just what I had needed as an extension to the work I had already been doing. It was a beautiful experience because the nature therapists that ran the group told me that I had such a natural talent for nature therapy (even though I never actually knew what it entailed – but I had unkowningly been doing it myself those 8 months).
And to this day I still need to go outside as much as possible, even if I am too exhausted it always fills me up with so much life and sense of love and belonging.
Q: How do you express yourself and not care about what others think?
A: I am not indifferent to people’s reactions and I have been met with a lot of silence, misunderstanding, hatred and ridicule when I’ve shared myself and my creations. Which has affected me a lot. But I continue to listen to my inner voice. If it tells me something, I listen. Listening to myself will always be more important than listening to others. It’s my life, and only I know what I need or what is right, no one else. If my inner voice, my soul, my being, my higher self speaks to me, I listen and react. Even if it doesn’t make sense.
Someone once asked me, if I wasn’t embarrassed to post a photo of a laundry line, because they thought, that if they themselves did that they would feel self-conscious and think that people would judge them. Which got me thinking about how we always look for meaning in everything. Maybe expression doesn’t have to have ulterior motives. Maybe you see something beautiful and you wanna share it. Maybe your inner voice is telling you to. Maybe you feel peaceful by looking at this certain thing. Maybe you like the vibe. Maybe it just gives you joy.
Maybe the sole purpose can be to share and express because it feels good to do so. It also reminds me of how limited we become when everything revolves around: “What would people think?”. My answer is: let them. And if you think they would judge you, it shows how you are already judging yourself. And why not use your fear? – share how you feel self-conscious about sharing or even just talk to yourself about it, to figure out why you judge yourself for wanting to express yourself freely.
Q: What was the most important thing that helped you heal trauma?
In very, very, very simple steps:
1. face what happened (rationally)
2. feel what happened (emotionally & physically)
3. express myself
It has also been about: learning to be vulnerable, nervous system regulation, listening to myself, letting go of people pleasing and so much more.
Q: Apart from intuition what is the most important part of creating?
A: What I described in a previous answer; to not think too much about what my purpose with it is but think: if it feels right, it is right. And also to not get caught up in being perfect or having to stay in a niche. Especially when you’re a multipotentialite.
Q: How do you deal with bad days?
A: Somedays I honestly can’t deal with it. Some days are about just enduring, holding on, holding out and getting the day over with. I dont know if I’ll ever reach a point of complete peace, but I try to remember how far I have come. I used to use alcohol and nicotine to sedate myself. Not using anything anymore I think is a big step in of itself. I focus on being kind to myself, compassionate and gentle, not judging myself. The hardest days are those where I am forced to just be in it and feel no hope. I practise acceptance a lot and I try to be very gentle on myself so I can bring my nervous system into a resting stage, that always helps. Also, crying.
Q: What is your goal now?
A: My goal is to continue to listen inwards, stay in my own energy, allow myself to shine, express myself freely even if it doesn’t make sense right now (eventually it will), to connect to myself and others and have trust that I am where I need to be.
Matilde Rudolph 